Episode 006: You Can't Change Them
So what can you do instead?
What if the person you wish would change simply doesn't?
Jane Newman is joined by Kim Olver for a personal and thought provoking conversation about control, relationships, parenting and learning to focus on what we can actually influence.
Kim shares how her journey began professionally but eventually became something much more personal. She talks about the experiences that changed the way she approached her own life, including raising her sons, supporting her youngest through the loss of his father, and recognising how easily even well intentioned parenting can become an attempt to control another person's behaviour.
Together, Jane and Kim explore:
• Why trying to change other people can be so exhausting
• The difference between wanting something from another person and expecting them to give it to you
• What happens when we stop trying to make other people change so that our lives will be better
• Why accepting someone doesn't necessarily mean staying close to them
• How we can make choices about our own behaviour even when someone else continues behaving in ways we don't like
• The unexpected ways control can show up, including praise and encouragement
• What Kim learned from parenting her teenage son after he broke an agreement
• Why sometimes changing our own response can protect rather than damage a relationship
• The idea that there are always choices, even when there aren't any easy choices
• Why trying to live this way perfectly isn't the goal
• How self awareness helps us recognise when old patterns of control are creeping back in
A lifetime of practice
One of the most important messages from Kim is that this isn't something we “arrive” at.
She describes it as a lifetime of practice. We are all human, we all want things from other people and we will all have moments where we fall back into old patterns.
The goal isn't perfection. It's noticing, learning and choosing again.
Be patient with yourself
Kim's advice for anyone beginning or continuing this journey is simple: be patient and kind with yourself.
If we're constantly berating ourselves for getting it wrong, we're not creating the conditions that help us improve. The same patience and understanding we want to extend to other people needs to be something we practise with ourselves too.