Episode 003: They Don’t Want Your Fixing
They just want to feel heard
When someone we care about shares something difficult, our instinct can be to help.
We want to solve the problem, offer a perspective, ask the right questions or help them find a way forward.
But what if they aren't asking us to fix anything?
In this episode, Kass reflects on a conversation with a friend where her desire to help led her to overstep. The situation was repaired, but it prompted her to reflect on her role in the conversation and why she so quickly moves into "fixing mode".
Jane and Kass explore what can happen when we assume someone wants their problem solved, when they may simply want to be heard.
In this episode, we explore:
Why we can be so quick to move into fixing mode
The difference between helping and solving
How our role can change depending on the relationship and situation
Why not everyone wants their problem solved
The importance of listening before offering advice or questions
How our own learned patterns can influence the way we respond
What it means to listen with curiosity
How we can recognise when someone may simply need a friendly ear
Why listening is a skill that can be practised and developed
Kass also reflects on her tendency to want to bring what she has learned into conversations with other people. Jane explores how having more knowledge and skills can sometimes make us even more eager to help, while the person we're talking to may not have asked for that help.
The conversation comes back to a simple but powerful question:
Am I listening to truly hear, or am I listening to respond?
Jane shares that she has had to intentionally practise this herself, moving away from listening in order to respond, ask the next clever question or demonstrate what she knows, towards simply listening with curiosity.
The episode is a reminder that sometimes the most helpful thing we can offer someone isn't a solution. It is our attention, our curiosity and the space to be heard.